twice

I was sexually assaulted yesterday on the train. For a second time in my life. The man who stood behind me was so close that his groun area was directly on my upper thighs and bum. He was moving his hips, I could feel that he was tunred on and I frizzed. I could not move, only tears were going down my face. 

I have had 5 showers since yesterday’s evening, I scrubbed my body and I still feel like it is not enough. I throw away jeans and underwear I had on yesterday, everything else is in the washing. 
But I cannot shake off the feeling of still being so dirty, used and violated. When I close my eyes I can hear him moan. I can smell his breath and see his face. I remember how he turned around and smiled, how his his hand was on my hips and under my shirt. And I did nothing. I frizzed and couldn’t move. I lost my voice and thinking about it makes me so angry and so sick. I am crying and everything seems so much to deal with right now. When it happened for the first time i didn’t understand what sexual assault was, I didn’t know what happened. Years had passed and i understood, I promised myself that I would always react, that I would not be a victim again.
Oh god, but it happened again, and I have stayed quiet again, I did not move, I didn’t react, I frizzed and started crying, becoming a victim one more time. 
I feel sick, tired and even more depressed than I was.

I’m on lorazepam right now, hardly dealing with reality. I cut myself again, I have not left my bed and spoken to anybody. I’m terrified of going on the tube again, I’m scared of leaving my flat, I am scared of falling asleep. I am embarrassed and my mind pulls trick on me. I don’t know what to do but I want to close my eyes and never open them again.